Joke Thread...

rockyptjoe

rockyptjoe

Guest
THE COWBOY
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the s--- out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago….....'
 
A

azbeachboy

Guest
"Cash for Codgers"







JUST IN ... J

Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named....

"CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, those with excessive gas, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.

Remember you heard it here first...






​




​
 
playaperro

playaperro

El Pirata
Global

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SEX:
Global Facts . . .
At Any Given Moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex-right now!

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:
1 old timer is reading emails

Live, laugh, and enjoy. You never know when it will end.
 
Kenny

Kenny

Guest
Henry took his fishing very seriously. One day his young son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. "Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."
"But that's just what I did, mommy."
 
Seadweller

Seadweller

chum
The other day I went to order a pizza and asked how many slices are there in a large pizza?

The pizza dude :chef: said that they cut the large pizza into 16 slices...

I then asked if he could cut mine into 8 slices because I was trying to lose weight and didn't think I could eat all 16 slices..
 
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rockyptjoe

rockyptjoe

Guest
Maid wants a raise
[FONT=&quot]Our maid asked for a pay increase.
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her
about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an
increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than
you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than
you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as
well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want? [/FONT]
 
Kenny

Kenny

Guest
you all the **** you can handle

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy your Government has decided to implement a scheme
to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
will be known as
RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be
eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced
Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the
government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or
HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much
**** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The
government has always prided itself in the amount of
**** it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive
enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your local Congressman.
They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.


 
rockyptjoe

rockyptjoe

Guest
Kenny said:
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy your Government has decided to implement a scheme
to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
will be known as
RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be
eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced
Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the
government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or
HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much
**** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The
government has always prided itself in the amount of
**** it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive
enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your local Congressman.
They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
Click to expand...
Kenny, I couldn't resist highlighting some of the letters towards the end for some of our forum members that have trouble reading or comprehending! :twisted::twisted::grin:
 
InkaRoads

InkaRoads

cronopiador
No matter how you look at it, feces will be feces!!! :eek3:

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more
or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave
her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received
to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked
last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door
to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"


The little girl replied, "I will, if those arssholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the furckin' sheet rock..."
 
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Roberto

Roberto

Guest
Working people frequently ask retired people


what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'


​
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.


I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a ****-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had a Bush sticker.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

 
A

azbeachboy

Guest

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

My present and future financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of:


Barack Obama
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA1.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>​


Joe Biden
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA2.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>​


Harry Reid
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA3.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>​


Nancy Pelosi
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA4.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>​


Tim Geithner
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA5.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>​


Rahm Emmanuel
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA26949713-0006 alt="" hspace=0 border=0> XHEIGHT="196" ID="6" SRC="aoladp://MA26949713-0006/file004.jpg">​


Chris Dodd
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA6.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>​


and Barney Frank!
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA7.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>
​


If that doesn't scare the **** out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing it as a public service.




 
Mentiras y Traición

Mentiras y Traición

Sonoran Goddess
Guess who this reminds me of!

CREATION - 
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be 
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. 
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! 

 

 
Mentiras y Traición

Mentiras y Traición

Sonoran Goddess
azbeachboy said:

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

My present and future financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of:


Barack Obama
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA1.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>


Joe Biden
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA2.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>


Harry Reid
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA3.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>


Nancy Pelosi
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA4.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>


Tim Geithner
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA5.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>


Rahm Emmanuel
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA26949713-0006 alt="" hspace=0 border=0> XHEIGHT="196" ID="6" SRC="aoladp://MA26949713-0006/file004.jpg">


Chris Dodd
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA6.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>


and Barney Frank!
<IMG id=EC_EC_MA7.1251320077 alt="" hspace=0 border=0>
​


If that doesn't scare the **** out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing it as a public service.
Click to expand...
A must for the bathroom library!
 
Roberto

Roberto

Guest
Hung Chow calls into work and says, ' Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss says, ' You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon...........You got nice house.'
 
rockyptjoe

rockyptjoe

Guest
The Last Nickel
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives
the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the
face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels
and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a
blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a
cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her
seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman
carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her
free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S...'
 
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