Joke Thread...
- Thread starter playaperro
- Start date
playaperro
El Pirata
Old One
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the
Drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't
Even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
Wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the
First thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass
Of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red
Rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him,
All clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees
That it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the
Rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he
Sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
Mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
Written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
His wife in lipstick:
Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get
Groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
Breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A..M., drunk and out of
Your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and
Then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
You ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in
Such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and
Breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the
Bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
Screamed, 'Leave me alone *****, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.
Hot Breakfast $4.
Two Aspirins $1.59
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the
Drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't
Even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
Wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the
First thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass
Of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red
Rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him,
All clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees
That it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the
Rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he
Sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
Mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
Written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
His wife in lipstick:
Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get
Groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
Breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A..M., drunk and out of
Your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and
Then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
You ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in
Such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and
Breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the
Bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
Screamed, 'Leave me alone *****, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.
Hot Breakfast $4.
Two Aspirins $1.59
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS
playaperro
El Pirata
For my Spanish Speaking Amigos
MUY BUENO, A MI ME PASA
Reviso las cartas antes de lavar el auto;
Dejo las llaves del auto en la mesita, voy a tirar los sobres vacíos y las propagandas en el bote de basura y me doy cuenta que está lleno
.- Decido dejar las cartas (entre las que hay una factura) en la mesita y sacar la bolsa de basura
.- Entonces pienso que, ya que voy afuera, puedo pagar la factura con un cheque y echarlo en el buzón que está a 10 metros de la puerta
.- Saco del bolsillo la chequera y veo que queda un solo cheque en blanco
.- Voy al escritorio a buscar otra chequera y encuentro sobre la mesa la Coca Cola que me estaba tomando y se me había quedado olvidada
.- Saco la lata para que no se vaya a derramar sobre los papeles y me doy cuenta que se está calentando, por lo que decido llevarla al refrigerador
-. Al ir hacia la cocina, me fijo que el jarrón de flores de la cómoda de la entrada está sin agua
.- Dejo la Coca Cola sobre la cómoda y descubro los anteojos de cerca que estuve buscando toda la mañana
.- Decido llevarlos a mi escritorio y, después, poner agua a las flores.
Llevo los anteojos al escritorio, lleno una jarra de agua en la cocina y, de repente, veo el control remoto del televisor
.- Alguien lo olvidó en la mesa de la cocina (Creo que fui yo)... Me acuerdo que anoche lo estuvimos buscando como locos...
Decido llevarlo al cuarto de la Tele , donde debe estar, en cuanto ponga el agua a las flores
.- Hecho un poquito de agua a las flores y la mayor parte se me derrama por el suelo; por lo tanto vuelvo a la cocina, dejo el control remoto sobre la mesa y agarro unos pinches trapos para secar el agua
.- Voy hacia el hall tratando de acordarme qué caray es lo que quería hacer con estos &%$ trapos hediondos...
Al final de la tarde...
El auto sigue sin lavar, no pagué la factura, el bote de basura está lleno, hay una lata de Coca Cola caliente en la cómoda, las flores siguen sin agua, sigue habiendo un solo cheque en blanco en mi chequera, no encuentro el méndigo control remoto de la tele ni mis anteojos de cerca, hay una fea mancha en el parquet de la entrada y no tengo ni la remota idea de dónde están las llaves del coche.-
Me quedo pensando cómo puede ser que, sin haber hecho nada en toda la méndiga tarde, haya estado todo el tiempo en chinga y esté tan cansado.
Hazme un favor: envía este mensaje a todos los que conozcas, porque no me acuerdo bien a quién carajos se lo mandé.....
Y no te rías, porque si aún no te pasa lo mismo,
¡No tardas!
MUY BUENO, A MI ME PASA
Me diagnosticaron S.A.D.A.E. (Síndrome de Atención Deficiente Activado por la Edad )
Se manifiesta así:
Se manifiesta así:
Decido lavar el auto
Al ir a la cochera, veo que hay correo en la mesita de la entrada.
Al ir a la cochera, veo que hay correo en la mesita de la entrada.
Reviso las cartas antes de lavar el auto;
Dejo las llaves del auto en la mesita, voy a tirar los sobres vacíos y las propagandas en el bote de basura y me doy cuenta que está lleno
.- Decido dejar las cartas (entre las que hay una factura) en la mesita y sacar la bolsa de basura
.- Entonces pienso que, ya que voy afuera, puedo pagar la factura con un cheque y echarlo en el buzón que está a 10 metros de la puerta
.- Saco del bolsillo la chequera y veo que queda un solo cheque en blanco
.- Voy al escritorio a buscar otra chequera y encuentro sobre la mesa la Coca Cola que me estaba tomando y se me había quedado olvidada
.- Saco la lata para que no se vaya a derramar sobre los papeles y me doy cuenta que se está calentando, por lo que decido llevarla al refrigerador
-. Al ir hacia la cocina, me fijo que el jarrón de flores de la cómoda de la entrada está sin agua
.- Dejo la Coca Cola sobre la cómoda y descubro los anteojos de cerca que estuve buscando toda la mañana
.- Decido llevarlos a mi escritorio y, después, poner agua a las flores.
Llevo los anteojos al escritorio, lleno una jarra de agua en la cocina y, de repente, veo el control remoto del televisor
.- Alguien lo olvidó en la mesa de la cocina (Creo que fui yo)... Me acuerdo que anoche lo estuvimos buscando como locos...
Decido llevarlo al cuarto de la Tele , donde debe estar, en cuanto ponga el agua a las flores
.- Hecho un poquito de agua a las flores y la mayor parte se me derrama por el suelo; por lo tanto vuelvo a la cocina, dejo el control remoto sobre la mesa y agarro unos pinches trapos para secar el agua
.- Voy hacia el hall tratando de acordarme qué caray es lo que quería hacer con estos &%$ trapos hediondos...
Al final de la tarde...
El auto sigue sin lavar, no pagué la factura, el bote de basura está lleno, hay una lata de Coca Cola caliente en la cómoda, las flores siguen sin agua, sigue habiendo un solo cheque en blanco en mi chequera, no encuentro el méndigo control remoto de la tele ni mis anteojos de cerca, hay una fea mancha en el parquet de la entrada y no tengo ni la remota idea de dónde están las llaves del coche.-
Me quedo pensando cómo puede ser que, sin haber hecho nada en toda la méndiga tarde, haya estado todo el tiempo en chinga y esté tan cansado.
Hazme un favor: envía este mensaje a todos los que conozcas, porque no me acuerdo bien a quién carajos se lo mandé.....
Y no te rías, porque si aún no te pasa lo mismo,
¡No tardas!
A
azbeachboy
Guest
Another Obama Joke
Guy goes into a bar, theres a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The
robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "Whats
your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about
physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
robot bartender says,"What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"Whats your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk
about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors..
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try
it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will
you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another
great martini. The robot then says, "Whats your IQ
?" The guy says, "Uh,
about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people
still happy you voted for Obama
Guy goes into a bar, theres a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The
robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "Whats
your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about
physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
robot bartender says,"What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"Whats your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk
about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors..
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try
it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will
you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another
great martini. The robot then says, "Whats your IQ
?" The guy says, "Uh,
about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people
still happy you voted for Obama
Letter to Grandma
A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers, to his horror, that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.
It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle..... it makes your nose look too SHORT."
Love, Grandma
A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers, to his horror, that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.
It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle..... it makes your nose look too SHORT."
Love, Grandma
Snicker!:wink:
A
azbeachboy
Guest
playaperro
El Pirata
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Wa s I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_____________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME ***
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.." _____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Please !!!!
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!!
**********
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Wa s I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_____________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME ***
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.." _____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Please !!!!
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!!
**********
A
azbeachboy
Guest
LIFE OF A POTATO
Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato,
which they Called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
And
Getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,
and get a bad Name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up
with a bunch of Tater Tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and Make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she
Wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get Plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny
like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
To watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the Greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out West, To watch out for the Indians
so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow
And wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or
the ones from the other Side of the tracks who advertise their
trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to! Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really
Be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told
Yam she couldn't possibly
Marry Tom Brokaw
Because he's just.......
A COMMONTATER
Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato,
which they Called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
And
Getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,
and get a bad Name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up
with a bunch of Tater Tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and Make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she
Wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get Plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny
like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
To watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the Greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out West, To watch out for the Indians
so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow
And wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or
the ones from the other Side of the tracks who advertise their
trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to! Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really
Be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told
Yam she couldn't possibly
Marry Tom Brokaw
Because he's just.......
A COMMONTATER
Roberto
Guest
SEVEN KINDS OF SEXResults of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you..'The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. * You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
playaperro
El Pirata
Lighten up - two years ago we were hearing stuff like this about Bush - whoever has the job is going to
be fodder for joke writers - goes with the territory.
Some Fine Obama Jokes...
- Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.
- Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.
- Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
- Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.
- Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
- Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One’s full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.
- Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.
- Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin' African.
- Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!!
- Barack Obama: He has what it takes, to take what you've got!
- Barack Obama's campaign slogan, "Yes we can" has become, "Yes you will!"
- No one wants to see GM’s new convertible, the Pelosi, with its top down!
- The liberals have asked us to give Obama time. Would...25 to life be appropriate
inkie::lol::fish::chef:
be fodder for joke writers - goes with the territory.
Some Fine Obama Jokes...
- Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.
- Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.
- Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
- Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.
- Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
- Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One’s full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.
- Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.
- Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin' African.
- Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!!
- Barack Obama: He has what it takes, to take what you've got!
- Barack Obama's campaign slogan, "Yes we can" has become, "Yes you will!"
- No one wants to see GM’s new convertible, the Pelosi, with its top down!
- The liberals have asked us to give Obama time. Would...25 to life be appropriate
inkie::lol::fish::chef:
playaperro
El Pirata
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States ' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues.
There will be no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable .inkie::lol::fish::chef:
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States ' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues.
There will be no problem however, finding enough asses to fill the stable .
inkie::lol::fish::chef:
So... I had some problems with the steering on my boat. I took it into the shop to see what was wrong. The mechanic comes over to me and says "It looks like you've blown a seal." And I replied "Hey buddy, how about we leave my personal life out of this and you just fix the damned boat!"
:gayfight:
nyuk-nyuk!
:gayfight:
nyuk-nyuk!
Oh BOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Yuck, Icky!!!!:eek3::eek3: Now I have to go wash my eyes and brain! (dontthinkaboutitdontthinkaboutit):shock:Snicker!!!!:mrgreen:
My Living Will
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my vodka.
They’re such asses ... :coldone:
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my vodka.
They’re such asses ... :coldone:
Now that's funny right there!:lol::lol:
A
azbeachboy
Guest
NoBell Prize - Vote Carefully
NoBell Prize - Vote Carefully
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster, Hussein, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Hussein's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, Hussein had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Hussein, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Hussein the No Bell Piece
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Hussein was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the
most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at
sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't
paying attention.
Vote carefully, the bells are not always audible.
NoBell Prize - Vote Carefully
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster, Hussein, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Hussein's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, Hussein had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Hussein, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Hussein the No Bell Piece
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Hussein was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the
most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at
sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't
paying attention.
Vote carefully, the bells are not always audible.
A
azbeachboy
Guest
A
azbeachboy
Guest
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see
you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your
point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24
hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing even when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died,
would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and
give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without
calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad.
They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see
you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your
point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24
hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing even when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died,
would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and
give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without
calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad.
They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
InkaRoads
cronopiador
we were all sitting at the Sandbar having a blast, when Kenny saw playa coming down the street and closed the gate to the bar, PLaya heard us screaming 13, 13, 13, and he wonder "what the heck is going on?" but since the gate was closed he could not coming in so he found an opening in between the plancks of wood and had a peak, Kenny pocked him in the eye and as he was cousing up a storm we started to scream 14, 14, 14,......