Mentiras y Traición
Sonoran Goddess
Joke Thread
Horse walks in to the Camel Toe. Jim says, Hey, why the long face?
Horse walks in to the Camel Toe. Jim says, Hey, why the long face?
Joke Thread...
- Thread starter playaperro
- Start date
B
bahiatrader
Guest
As long as we're being silly, this is one of my favorites:
A lady goes into a pet store, and finds a parrot she'd like to buy.
The owner of the pet store says, "I'd really like to sell you this parrot ma'am. He's beautiful, but he cusses a lot.
The lady tells the storekeeper that it wouldn't be a problem.
Sure enough, when they get home, the parrot starts cussing up a storm.
She puts parrot in the freezer for 15 minutes and takes him out Being a tropical bird, the parrot is shivering and seemingly near death. When ask if he'll ever cuss in her house again, the parrot says, "No, no. I'll never cuss again. That was horrible!
If I got 15 minutes for cussing, what did that chicken do?"
A lady goes into a pet store, and finds a parrot she'd like to buy.
The owner of the pet store says, "I'd really like to sell you this parrot ma'am. He's beautiful, but he cusses a lot.
The lady tells the storekeeper that it wouldn't be a problem.
Sure enough, when they get home, the parrot starts cussing up a storm.
She puts parrot in the freezer for 15 minutes and takes him out Being a tropical bird, the parrot is shivering and seemingly near death. When ask if he'll ever cuss in her house again, the parrot says, "No, no. I'll never cuss again. That was horrible!
If I got 15 minutes for cussing, what did that chicken do?"
mexicoruss
Lovin it in RP!
OK OK I apologize prior to you reading these.
What are 4 Mexican men in the quick sand called? Cuatro Sinko!
We never hear of Nationals trying to go into the states illegally 3 at a time - Why Not? The sign on the fence clearly say "No Tres Passing"
What are 4 Mexican men in the quick sand called? Cuatro Sinko!
We never hear of Nationals trying to go into the states illegally 3 at a time - Why Not? The sign on the fence clearly say "No Tres Passing"
PitiquitoRosy
Guest
All of these are groaners. I wish we could just go back to foul language and skip the bad jokes. Geez...
By the way, add me to the list of folks who've had a great time hanging out with Jim at the CT CANTINA! Thanks, Jim...it was fun.
P.S. Today is Jim's birthday, y'all...
By the way, add me to the list of folks who've had a great time hanging out with Jim at the CT CANTINA! Thanks, Jim...it was fun.
P.S. Today is Jim's birthday, y'all...
A
azbeachboy
Guest
Mentiras y Traición
Sonoran Goddess
I thought it was a nice diversion from reality...
By the way, what do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean Beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
Bwaaaaaahahahahahahaha!
By the way, what do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean Beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
Bwaaaaaahahahahahahaha!
mexicoruss
Lovin it in RP!
2 cannibals sitting at the dinner table eating a clown they had just "harvested". The one cannibal looks at the other and asks "does this taste funny to you?"
Ok guys that was gross but you have to admit it was funny the first time you heard it.......
Ok guys that was gross but you have to admit it was funny the first time you heard it.......
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Seadweller
chum
I used to drive a truck back in Illinois and one day I was out on a run that went through some farm country, when I got that uncontrollable feeling you get after eating at a greasy spoon...
I came upon a farmhouse and imediately pulled the rig to the side of the road, ran up to the house knocked on the door and explained my situation, and asked to use their bathroom.
The farmer said sure but we use an outhouse around back and grampa is in it now... but it's a two seater so if your not bashful go ahead grampa won't mind...
So in my dire situation I said no problem... and went to join ol'gramps... we exchanged Howdys and I went on to my business... gramps was just standing up off the seat next to me when a quarter a dime and 2 pennies fell out of his pocket and down into the depths of the outhouse...
Gramps pulled up his bib-overalls and reached into the back pocket pulled a $20 from his wallet and tossed it down the hole in the seat next to me...
I looked at him and asked why he did that? and gramps replied... you didn't expect me to go down there for a measly 37 cents did ya? :-o
I came upon a farmhouse and imediately pulled the rig to the side of the road, ran up to the house knocked on the door and explained my situation, and asked to use their bathroom.
The farmer said sure but we use an outhouse around back and grampa is in it now... but it's a two seater so if your not bashful go ahead grampa won't mind...
So in my dire situation I said no problem... and went to join ol'gramps... we exchanged Howdys and I went on to my business... gramps was just standing up off the seat next to me when a quarter a dime and 2 pennies fell out of his pocket and down into the depths of the outhouse...
Gramps pulled up his bib-overalls and reached into the back pocket pulled a $20 from his wallet and tossed it down the hole in the seat next to me...
I looked at him and asked why he did that? and gramps replied... you didn't expect me to go down there for a measly 37 cents did ya? :-o
M
m4shawn
Guest
A muffin is seated next to another muffin in an oven as they begin to bake. He says to the the other one: "Whew, it's getting hot in here, isn't it?"
The other muffun says: "Holy Shit! A talking muffin!!"
The other muffun says: "Holy Shit! A talking muffin!!"
A
azbeachboy
Guest
Women are Evil
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural club... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she
gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and
into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural club... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she
gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and
into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Seadweller
chum
another crapper joke... :lol: your mind is in the crapper too
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playaperro
El Pirata
Hillbillie smart
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air
conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 rubbers in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air
conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 rubbers in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker
playaperro
El Pirata
¿Verdad,gordo?
Una pareja de esposos estaba cenando en un restaurante, cuando observaron que entró un amigo de ambos acompañado de una desconocida.
La señora le comentó a su esposo:
Ese que entró es Juan, pero esa no es su esposa.
No, es una amante que él tiene, dijo el hombre calmadamente. La mujer comenzó a criticar la actuación de su amigo, y el esposo la paró en seco diciéndole: No te metas en esos asuntos, deja que los otros vivan su vida.
Los esposos siguen cenando, cuando se acerca a ellos una chica guapísima que le dice al marido:
Oye, me dejaste esperando ayer.
Sí, se me presentó un problema. Pero yo paso por tu casa hoy.
OK., nos vemos, dice la chica retirándose de la mesa ante el asombro de la esposa, quien le preguntó en seguida a su marido:
Y ESA: ¿QUIEN ES...?
Esa es mi amante, le aclaró el hombre. La mujer se puso como el diablo, y comenzó a decirle improperios al marido, pidiéndole hasta el divorcio. No hay problema, te doy el divorcio. Pero recuerda que nuestro contrato matrimonial es por 'separación de bienes' y que la casa, el auto y el negocio están a mi nombre.
También vete olvidando de las vacaciones cada tres meses a las mejores playas y al extranjero, ah!! y de tus tarjetas de crédito, el pago de todos los servicios de la casa, tu ropa de marca, zapatos, tus Spa's , el
terapeuta, las compras en N.Y., la casa de playa,tu BMW, el chofer y la pensión de tu mamá...
La mujer se calla y luego de analizar la situación, le dice al esposo:
La amante de nosotros es más bonita que la de Juan, ¿verdad gordo?
Una pareja de esposos estaba cenando en un restaurante, cuando observaron que entró un amigo de ambos acompañado de una desconocida.
La señora le comentó a su esposo:
Ese que entró es Juan, pero esa no es su esposa.
No, es una amante que él tiene, dijo el hombre calmadamente. La mujer comenzó a criticar la actuación de su amigo, y el esposo la paró en seco diciéndole: No te metas en esos asuntos, deja que los otros vivan su vida.
Los esposos siguen cenando, cuando se acerca a ellos una chica guapísima que le dice al marido:
Oye, me dejaste esperando ayer.
Sí, se me presentó un problema. Pero yo paso por tu casa hoy.
OK., nos vemos, dice la chica retirándose de la mesa ante el asombro de la esposa, quien le preguntó en seguida a su marido:
Y ESA: ¿QUIEN ES...?
Esa es mi amante, le aclaró el hombre. La mujer se puso como el diablo, y comenzó a decirle improperios al marido, pidiéndole hasta el divorcio. No hay problema, te doy el divorcio. Pero recuerda que nuestro contrato matrimonial es por 'separación de bienes' y que la casa, el auto y el negocio están a mi nombre.
También vete olvidando de las vacaciones cada tres meses a las mejores playas y al extranjero, ah!! y de tus tarjetas de crédito, el pago de todos los servicios de la casa, tu ropa de marca, zapatos, tus Spa's , el
terapeuta, las compras en N.Y., la casa de playa,tu BMW, el chofer y la pensión de tu mamá...
La mujer se calla y luego de analizar la situación, le dice al esposo:
La amante de nosotros es más bonita que la de Juan, ¿verdad gordo?
A
azbeachboy
Guest
BBQ RULES
July 4th is the day of the BBQ. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three yard exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. Another beer should be included.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
July 4th is the day of the BBQ. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three yard exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. Another beer should be included.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
A
azbeachboy
Guest
The difference between authority and power
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal
Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal
Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
Elderly couple stop at CT Cantina
An elderly couple stop in at the CT and have a seat. Jim, the bartender, asks them if they'd like a beer. The old man nods and Jim goes to retrieve the beers. The old lady is hard of hearing, so she leans over to the old man and says "what'd he say?" The old man replies "wanted to know if we wanted a beer". "Oh" says the old lady. Jim comes back with the beers and asks if they'd like some chips and salsa. The old man nods, Jim goes for the chips and salsa and the old lady says "what'd he say?" The old man replies "wanted to know if we wanted some chips and salsa. "Oh" says the old lady. Jim comes back with the chips and salsa and asks where they're from. The old man replies "Arizona". "I had the worst piece of ass ever when I was in Arizona" says Jim and off he goes. The old lady leans in and says "what'd he say?" "Says he thinks he know's ya"!:grin:
This joke actually has the couple stopping at a gas station and dealing with the attendant-- fillin' er up, checkin' under the hood, and then noticing their out of state license plate but I thought I'd kick it up a bit and have some fun with Jim!
An elderly couple stop in at the CT and have a seat. Jim, the bartender, asks them if they'd like a beer. The old man nods and Jim goes to retrieve the beers. The old lady is hard of hearing, so she leans over to the old man and says "what'd he say?" The old man replies "wanted to know if we wanted a beer". "Oh" says the old lady. Jim comes back with the beers and asks if they'd like some chips and salsa. The old man nods, Jim goes for the chips and salsa and the old lady says "what'd he say?" The old man replies "wanted to know if we wanted some chips and salsa. "Oh" says the old lady. Jim comes back with the chips and salsa and asks where they're from. The old man replies "Arizona". "I had the worst piece of ass ever when I was in Arizona" says Jim and off he goes. The old lady leans in and says "what'd he say?" "Says he thinks he know's ya"!:grin:
This joke actually has the couple stopping at a gas station and dealing with the attendant-- fillin' er up, checkin' under the hood, and then noticing their out of state license plate but I thought I'd kick it up a bit and have some fun with Jim!
B
bahiatrader
Guest
ANOTHER PARROT STORY:
RECYCLED PARROT..
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used
To live in a house of Prostitution & sometimes
It says some pretty vulgar stuff.'
The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home & hung the bird's cage up in her living room & waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
But then thought 'that's really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned
From school the bird saw & said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls & the woman were a bit offended,
But then began to laugh about the situation considering how & where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
Came home from work.
The bird looked at him & said,
'Hi Keith'
RECYCLED PARROT..
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used
To live in a house of Prostitution & sometimes
It says some pretty vulgar stuff.'
The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home & hung the bird's cage up in her living room & waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
But then thought 'that's really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned
From school the bird saw & said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls & the woman were a bit offended,
But then began to laugh about the situation considering how & where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
Came home from work.
The bird looked at him & said,
'Hi Keith'
Mentiras y Traición
Sonoran Goddess
And then there was roast parrot for dinner...
