Time for a new Joke Thread

[Roberto]

: MEDICALLY SUPERVISED SEX...

An elderly couple went to a Sex Therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all....

Medicare pays $43 of it.

 

[Kenny]

Subject: Aussies

.... Only An Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman...



A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.


One woman lost it completely.


She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young
to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?'


For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood
up in the rear of the plane.


He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel
eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his
shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.


She gasped...


Then, he spoke...


'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

 

[GV Jack]

Okay Kenny, but I'm afraid to like it, if you know what I mean.

 

[Terry C]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."


The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied...

... "The balcony."

 

[tndr_cpl]

One of my favorites all time...

A penguin was driving his car through town one day when suddenly it started buch and shake wildly, then the engine died. Luckily just as the car started to slow the penguin looked to his left and there was a repair shop so he coasted in.

"Wassup" asked the mechanic
" I dunno" said the penguin, "The car started to shutter and shake, then just died"
"OK, let me take a look at it, Why don't you just wander around town a bit and I'll try and see what's wrong" replied the mechanic.

The penguin walked outside the repair shop and strait across was an ice cream shop.

"ICE CREAM!!!" thought the penguin, and he ran across the street and went into the shop.

Loving ice cream the penguin order the biggest vanilla cone he could. But of also, because he was a penguin and had no real hands, the ice cream got it all over his face and flippers. Once he finished the penguin went back acorss the street to talk to the mechanic.

Once in the repair shop the messy penguin saw his car on a rack and the mechanic was under it looking up under the car.

Hearing the penguin come in the mechanic turned around. He paused for a moment then said to the penguin, "Well, looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin stammered for a moment and in a panic replied..."No, no...it's just icc cream!"

 

[Roberto]

A tight budget motivated a woman to buy canned dog food and feed it to her husband, who actually liked it. She had told a friend about it, who after a year or so inquired about it. The woman said "Oh he was on the sofa and tried to lick his balls and fell off and broke his neck"